What do you do when a thing makes absolutely no logical sense, but your heart tells you otherwise? Do you give in to logic and play your part in this world carefully so you don't hurt? Do you be careful and shut another door because it should be done? After seeing Twilight I'm thinking these things, comparing fiction to the real world. Oh! Don't do that! says the Western mind.
The world is full of little jail cells that protect us from hurt, protect us from looking like a fool. They protect us from our full potential, too.
What do you do when a thing makes absolutely no logical sense, but your heart tells you otherwise? I've been torn up in knots a long time overthinking things, preparing for contingencies and practicing in my mind what should be said here, there and otherwhere. Trying to jade myself into a jail cell.
And I reject it. I've been mourning the thought of losing innocence, losing the ability to hope, thinking I'm not good enough because I've not settled for the easier prey. Gotta be done? No it doesn't. That's a lie. This world jealously would have us join it down in the deep where life is a pale imitation of what it could be.
So you know what? I'm gonna be senseless me. Things can hurt me, but nothing will ever change me. And life without risking the pain just isn't worth protecting in my eyes. Why protect a thing that isn't satisfying? I won't settle. I'm not afraid of the pain. I'll chase it and show it what I'm made of.
If I'm going to die someday, it'll be after a long battle for satisfaction I may never have. At least then I can die satisfied with myself.
- Location:The Cullen House
- Mood:
determined - Music:Houses of Healing - Liv Tyler
Feel like I'm gonna throw up.
- Location:Horror Hills
- Mood:
anxious - Music:No music, just frayed nerves.
( Eeeeeew... )
Obama's the Alpha Omega, eh? Hmm. Last I checked that title was taken. Just do me a favor, peeps. If he ever asks you to put a chip and/or tattoo on your forehead or hand....don't do it. ;-)
- Location:Luke Skywalker's Arms
- Mood:
anxious - Music:Crazy - Britney Spears
I already have a stress headache even before hitting Chem class. I like chemistry, interestingly enough...and I think I did well, but so much so fast! And the lab questions asked things that had no examples in the book, nor did the instructor teach. I hope he doesn't mind if my best shot happened to suck. :-D
And every time I wear a low cut shirt I hear in my mind that British judge on Dancing with the Stars telling Cloris Leachman, "Mind your cleavage!"
It's one of those mornings. *snooze*
- Location:My Bed
- Mood:
sleepy - Music:Never Gonna Be - Audio Adrenaline
Alas, I think I am going sane. :D
- Location:Shep's Quarters
- Mood:
confused - Music:Echoing Green - If I Could
( The Horror!!! )
- Location:Voldemort's Lair
- Mood:
cheerful - Music:This is Halloween - Nightmare Before Christmas
- Location:Malfoy Manor
- Mood:
bouncy - Music:Nightlife - IamX
- Location:Wonderland Woods
- Mood:
blank - Music:Wonderland Woods - American McGee's Alice
- Location:Wonderland
- Mood:
bouncy - Music:Taking Tea in Dreamland - Chris Vrenna
Maybe it's just the feeling I miss. Maybe I just need a zillion bucks to get every major I want.
Anyway, gonna nap and update with pic spam later when my phone recharges. I've been taking pictures of...what I see. ;-) It's really stupid, but ya know.
- Location:PMDDLand
- Mood:
melancholy - Music:Tourniquet - Evanescence
This was my first reaction:

But now I kinda think they're cool...you know, until I get a new pair. ;-) I even feel a bit smarter now....golly.
SMOOCH!

- Location:Snape's Quarters
- Mood:
silly - Music:Five Iron Frenzy - Suckerpunch
I knew there was a reason Whiteheart was running around in my head for no apparent reason today.
Where The Thunder Roars
Whiteheart
Fire in the air, burning everywhere
See the signs of a world that's lost control.
Stepping out my door, isn't safe no more
But I know it's where I want to go...
Out where the thunder roars
Where the lightening strikes on a distant shore
Out where the thunder roars
I'll stand in the heart of the storm
Where the thunder roars
If it was just me, I could never leave
and be a man with his face turned to the wind.
But I can go out there, shake the hand of fear,
'Cause I'm walking with the Mighty One
Who raised up his voice to the storm
He'll keep us safe and warm.
Out where the thunder roars
Where the lightening strikes on a distant shore
Out where the thunder roars
I'll stand in the heart of the storm
Stand with my head held high
Be a voice of hope when the lonely cry
Out where the eagles fly
The wonder of love with light up the sky.
Don't Let Your Heart Be Hardened
Words and music by Bob Hartman (of Petra)
Based on Psalm 95:7-8, Hebrews 3:13
(Chorus)
Don't let your heart be hardened - don't let your love grow cold
May it always stay so childlike - may it never grow too old
Don't let your heart be hardened - may you always know the cure
Keep it broken before Jesus, keep it thankful, meek, and pure
May it always feel compassion - may it beat as one with God's
May it never be contrary - may it never be at odds
May it always be forgiving - may it never know conceit
May it always be encouraged - may it never know defeat
May your heart be always open - never satisfied with right
May your heat be filled with courage and strengthened with all might
Let His love rain down upon you
Breaking up your fallow ground
Let it lossen all the binding
Till only tenderness is found
- Location:Arutha's Hot Tub
- Mood:
determined - Music:Whiteheart - Even The Hardest Heart
A. Full time student, don’t work, so bear with me in this somewhat goofy example. I use Pepsi points to buy MP3’s off Amazon.com (sorry, there’s a Pepsi cap on my desk, inspiration comes from all around). 1 song costs 5 points, and 1 bottle of Pepsi gives only 1 point. So let’s say I want to make a folder with my top 25 songs in it. How many points will I need and how much will that cost me in bought Pepsi if each bottle is $1.59 + ten cent deposit. This would be expressed this way:
P (1.59 + 0.10) = C
P is points required, and C is cost.
First we figure how many points needed to get 25 songs.
P = 25 * 5
P = 125 points needed to get 25 songs.
Then
125 (1.59 + 0.10) = C
125 * 1.69 = $211.25 spent on Pepsi and music.
- Location:Oblivion
- Mood:
blank - Music:Yoda - Weird Al
???
Mmmmm? Vhat eez zees?
On a side note, I broke my glasses again! :-D Now I get to wear my ugly old gold ones that are nerdily shaped, and are blurry. And I've got Indian Thriller stuck in my mind....please, Lord, kill me..and bury me with my new piccie!!!
- Location:Land of Broken Glasses
- Mood:
silly - Music:Holodoc - Pon Farr Opera
From underneath the trees, we watch the sky
Confusing stars for satellites
I never dreamed that you'd be mine
But here we are, we're here tonight
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died
And I'm singing
Amen I, Amen I, I'm alive
Amen I, Amen I, Amen I, I'm alive
And in the air the fireflies
Our only light in paradise
We'll show the world they were wrong
And teach them all to sing along
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I, I'm alive
I'm alive
And as we lie beneath the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died
When nobody died...
It is appointed all men to die. There's no escaping that. But when I hear this lyric I think of all the dying we do on the inside, our hearts being crushed under the weight of the world. We all have our day to day concerns, all of us...but man, if everyone could have that moment lying under the stars, thinking how small we really are. Echoing Green has a lyric, "...we see the glory of our lives..." I think of it when I hear, "Amen, I am alive." We don't know what gift we have been given.
Luminous beings are we, says Yoda. Think of what we could be if we could all just glimpse our place in eternity and realize we're all the same, just lonely strangers trying to find peace and happiness.
Maybe, just maybe we wouldn't hurt each other so much.
On a lighter note, I had a dream last night David Bowie gave me his phone number...and I was eager to call.

- Location:Obi-Wan's Starfighter
- Mood:
drained - Music:Nickelback - If Everyone Cared
Wash away the thoughts inside
That keep my mind away from you.
No more love and no more pride
And thoughts are all I have to do.
Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained.
Felt the ground and looked up high
And called your name.
Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained.
In the darkness I remain.
Tears of hope run down my skin.
Tears for you that will not dry.
They magnify the one within
And let the outside slowly die.
Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained.
I felt the ground and looked up high
And called your name.
Ohhhhhh Remember when it rained.
In the water I remain
Running down...
Can't sleep tonight. Thought I'd occupy myself with a little Josh Groban.
Aragorn/Arwen Vid to This Song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVZAjiB5p
Alternatively Snape/Lily, which I thought was well done: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQaT_3wSp
- Location:Lothlorien
- Mood:
tired - Music:Josh Groban - Remember When It Rained
I had gravy for breakfast and went back to bed 'cause it was early. Apparently, this will do something to a mind. Something twisted, to boot.
I had a dream while slumbering half the 4th of July away. ;Twas strange and in some ways more hideous than I care to imagine. It started with me being IN a game like Kotor. I remember choosing a save game that was on Dantooine. In my party were two droids, that evil droid you find along the way in the real game and an R2 unit. I had the most AWESOME dark blue bladed double sided lightsaber with a blue see through handle. Oh yeah baby. It was awesome.
So I'm wandering around this big building that looks like some sort of mall. I know there's this Luke Skywalker enounter set to happen. Now, understand I am IN the game, not dreaming I'm playing. So I see everything as I see it in real life. So I see Luke down the hall talking to Obi-Wan's ghost...in his orange flightsuit. :-D I decided then to change it to Qui-Gon's ghost and take Obi-Wan's ghost for my own...so now I've got Obi-Wan's ghost telling me that Luke is looking for force sensitives.
I walk by Luke pretending I don't know who the heck he is...straight into a conference room where these people are watching a Star Trek movie...or something...I'm not clear, there was just something Trekkie in the Force at that point. I'm thinking Captain Janeway was there, I was trying to repair a terminal for her? Something weird like that.
So Luke was following me apparently, as he looks in the doorway. I smile and say, "What do you want, Skywalker?" I don't even get his reply...cause I take off running away. My evil droid says something about asking for a hard fight by running, but I don't care...I keep running and force jumping up flights of stairs...curve around to jump down another set of stairs...and stop because I have to go to the bathroom.
Yes. Reality intrudes most mercilessly. I go into this bathroom in the dream and there's three sections. One for men, women and people that aren't sure. LOL. Whatever. And there's a deli. I told you things got really twisted. I go into a stall but have trouble fitting this small stall because I'm wearing my long leather coat (my real life coat..it goes down to the floor all Vadery). I hear these two guys come in to talk to the deli dude about a "search for a missing girl..." which is me. So I know my time is short, Luke will no doubt sense me in here. I decide not to even go cause it's taking too long to figure out where to hang my coat.
Sure enough, Luke looks inside the bathroom. (NOT my stall, I was washing my hands) so I say, "Could you wait a minute?" LOL. He agrees and goes into the hallway to wait. I remember thinking something along the lines that this was never addressed in movies...and then I woke up because I really had to, ya know. Pop for breakfast and all, I should know better than to drink before sleeping. Hehehe...my body got sick of hinting via dreamstate, I guess.
So there you have it, a perfectly good star wars dream ruined. I could not escape the Jedi because...I had to go. *slaps forehead* What a dignified dream to have, huh? Yeesh. Meditate on this I will, and ponder the hidden meaning.
- Location:Luke's Meditation Garden
- Mood:
weird - Music:Jaws 2 on TV
If I could hand you a teardrop or two
Would you taste the pain that binds me?
Every single trap that I fall into
Takes a little peace from inside me
This is a question of heart
This is the answer torn apart
This is a fierce endeavor
To face my fears forever...and let it go
I take this pain and let it go...
Freedom comes with eyes wide open
Hope unchained in pure devotion
To freedom...
In my mind there's a picture of me
A memory of the man I used to be
I used to have a faith like thunder
But now I feel it falling under
The weight of a good day, gone black
The weight of a heart under attack
This is where I stop pretending
That I'm not in need of mending...and let it go
I take this hate and let it go...
Freedom comes with eyes wide open
Hope unchained in pure devotion
To freedom...
I once heard someone say the joke's on me
Pride has turned my faith to fallacy
This is where I cast the old man down
This is where I turn my faith around
I've bolded what spoke to me tonight particularly as I was looking through lyrics to change my MySpace quote to. (Gave up the most awesome quote EVER for it).
Anyway, I think it really needs to be a banner for my life. Open your eyes, Angela. Stop being afraid. Step into the light, unchain hope and devote yourself to the glory that this life can be. In other words, look with a little more optimism. I come from a mega pessimistic worry wart family, so it'll be tough. But really. If things are all that horrific as to worry all the time, what's there worth worrying over? Where is the value in a life lived in fear? Who cares if it's lost? So I might as well look for the blessings God is going to give, like Lucy Pevensie.
- Location:Snape's Closet
- Mood:
dorky - Music:Echoing Green - Sanctuary
I know. I'm just being crabby...being awake at 4:30 (after having tried to sleep) will do that. The procedure itself was fine. I knew that wouldn't be bad, cause it's over in an hour. I was gassed AND numbed, which was interesting. I didn't care for not being able to tell whether or not my mouth was even closed or open at the end, but I'd kill for a little of both now. The first tooth they took was the one with the hole in it. That one did hurt. Exposed root and all, I suppose. By the third tooth I was pretty reflective. "This isn't so bad at all."
By the third day, being today, I'm ready to murder people. I've been clutching my little stuffed rabbit, Luke (Skywalker), till his little eyes would bug out if he were alive. :-D Mostly cause of my sinuses, actually...they're killing me. And this whole protecting the clots thing. I hate being afraid to swallow, move or otherwise endanger the clots. When this is healed I'm going to eat a whole cow and a chicken and a mega large fry to boot. I don't give a frog's fat butt about being skinny right now.
That said, I'm stunned to find the two tylenols I took actually worked somewhat. (Vicodin gives me a headache). Maybe I should attempt another cat nap.
- Location:Gun Pit, Millenium Falcon
- Mood:
exhausted - Music:Echoing Green - Suffer (in my head)

